Amusing musings: conversations with a former nurse and SAHMW

Based on real conversations and my imagination.

Person: so are you still nursing?
Me: yes I am. I have been nursing both my children.
*Quiet*
Me: oh that's not what you meant was it?

Person: so you used to do home care?
Me: yes I did. Well I still do home care, you know. I take care of my home.

Person: so are you planning to go back to your career?
Me: well I'm raising my kids and considering homeschooling. I think I have quite a career ahead of me.

Person: do you plan to go back to nursing once you are done with raising the kids/once the kids are in school/kids are older?
Me: I don't think I'll be ever done raising my kids. Even if I were to pursue work outside of the home I don't think I'll go back to nursing. Tbh.

Person: you stay at home with the kids?? What do you do all day? I could never stay home with them and entertain them all day.
Me: ... I... Mother them. I spend time with them  I have lots of things to do at home, too many things I can't even get to. And I don't entertain them all day.

Person: I could never be at home. I need to get out, it gets boring at home.
Me: tbh I can never get bored at home. There's so much to learn and not enough time!  Tired? Yes? Bored? Noo...

Person: I need to go to work for adult interaction and talking about stuff other than the kids.
Me: ... I like talking to my husband and my friends and reaching out to my neighbors and being with my church family, hosting people in our home... Life is full I'm not sure why anyone would want to leave this to pursue a career just to talk to adults... That means someone has to parent my kids. Who better to mother my children than me? I guess we have our differences.

I want to grow in thankfulness for these roles you have given me, God. This world can be a bit upside down.

Children... A blessing?

I am in a season where this is harder to believe I admit. But what God says it's true. I'll try to post some quick reflections and context in later posts.

Psalm 127

Update so far...

There's too much to say in one post.
Hubby kindly took the girls out to the library so I have time to blog a bit.
I am a mother of 2 now. My second daughter, Claire is 3 months today (1 year old from conception!)
Whoa.
Time really flew.
Some ask or assume if things will be easier with the second once you have the first.
I would say no, because the context has completely changed and the challenges are different.
This time around I feel a lot more humbled... I can't possibly do this all by myself!
The birth experience reminded me of how humbling childbirth is...
It went well, I can explain later in person or maybe in a later post if there is time.
But in short it is really humbling after giving birth, having to have someone help you change your own diapers and help you pull your pants up after going to the bathroom.
What was I thinking last time? I felt like I was survivor, and that I accomplished something really great. That this is all so empowering.
Yes it's true, I survived it all again (praise the Lord) and it was a great accomplishment.
I can't take credit. I really can't. I had so much help. The Lord was so gracious and I was in His sovereign care through the entire process.
All I can say is that going through this all over again was just really humbling this time around.
Humbling in terms of recognizing my limits and my need to be dependent on the Lord and the help of those He graciously surrounds me with. I need to grow in thankfulness and fix my eyes on how God can be glorified through each circumstance.
There's too much to say in one post.

Things I would like to write about more in the future...
- Changes this past year- church, moving
- Lessons in grieving
- Birth experience # 2
- Home making lessons
- Health
- Parenting decisions, struggles
- Learning more about home school
- Culture
- Goals, plans, dreams...

My love/hate relationship with DIY and my desire to be faithful

I like the idea of DIY.
So charming.
So personal.
Avoid commercialism.
Save money.

Then again...
So time consuming.
And ohh the vanities!!

I feel after a DIY project I feel so self-absorbed, guilty that I ignored the needs of the people around me and that I wasted my life on something not as meaningful as more vital tasks like sleeping and eating and reading my Bible. Perhaps I need to practice dovetailing where I do something meaningful at the same time but in this season of life I don't enjoy DIY. I first learned this lesson while making invites for our wedding and especially from my hubby who said sometimes time is money and it's okay to pay for something to get done so I can save time to do more important things. It's more apparent now with raising a family, that I need to cut out or limit DIY projects for now. I really don't know how other Christian moms can do side endeavors without neglecting other vital duties. I need to also take into account my new roles as wife and mom are steep learning curves that take time learn for now.

I have memories of absorbing myself in a hobby and finishing it to completion. Especially in my single years. Now I desire to be faithful with today's tasks which mean withholding the DIY projects for a later time or even eternity when I'll have a lot of time... I don't know if I'll want to DIY by then but at least I can be content that I stewarded my time the best I could. Not perfectly but I hope I can redeem whatever time I have left my seeking first His kingdom, trusting God and fearing Him

What I have been learning lately- Parenting, natural vs. biblical... (Sola Scriptura)

These are just raw thoughts in my mind at the moment. I'm not sure what to do with them.

God designed us. He knew exactly what He is doing.

So knowing that I feel like understanding newborn biology and such... mother's instincts kicked in on how to take care of a baby.

General revelation.

Natural can be good however it can't be ultimate.

I don't think it is natural for us to recognize that we we are sinners, and to submit to God given authority.

Our sin has tainted our desires and what feels natural isn't always God honouring.

Instead of looking inside (our instincts) to make decisions we also need to look outside (to God, Scripture) for the truth.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)

Specific revelation comes from God. I don't think it comes "naturally".

It was after Joanna was 1 year (~14 months) that I discovered her self-will. Maybe she had it all along and I was delusional. I realized she wasn't just a lump of joy but a human with a hell-bent nature that is rebellious toward God, parents and loves self. Sounds mean to say that but... this is what natural is! This is our human condition, our default. If we don't come to acknowledge this "bad news" how can be possibly accept the "good news" with rejoicing?

We were led to read a book on parenting that helped us understand everyone's need for the Gospel (including babies)! Babies are humans and humans are sinners. Babies are therefore just little sinners. 

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). 

I have also have scrapped things out of my phrases/vocabulary: As (mother) nature intended it --> God's design. I try to remind myself that God designed things a certain away and he is totally wise. I can praise God for it. I can also see that though we don't always do things the way "nature" intends it, (e.g. let's say a baby getting fed with formula instead of breastfeeding, I realize some things are natural vs. artificial, and some decisions are just plain ungodly. In case of formula I think it's unnatural to feed baby formula, but I don't think it is ungodly or unscriptural. I praise God that there are places like the West where clean water is accessible and that kids are able to survive with out breastmilk if it has to be that way... I mean I was formula fed. Though scientifically breastfeeding is better nutritionally and for bonding, and I believe God was really smart when he made our breasts... I realize it is not a matter to judge my own sister in Christ if she chooses to formula feed. 

I also think the whole natural parenting/attachment stuff has some benefit but I realize when it starts going against Scripture (e.g. the issue of corrective discipline)... this is where I draw the line and not let a parenting philosophy be my God. Who am I to say that I know better than God to decide how I ought to parent rather than let Him who made me decide how I should parent? Perhaps my natural instincts aren't as reliable as I previously thought after all.

The Fleeting Fourth Trimester Memories: A New Way of Sleep

Prior to being pregnant, we slept quiet well. I had also done night shifts a nurse prior to getting pregnant so I know what it's like to be awake and asleep at odd hours. 

During the pregnancy, sleep definitely changed for me to having to lie down on my side, and experiencing back aches, frequent washroom trips, and just insomnia on some days. So I know what it's like to not get sleep or have it interrupted and just live with it.

With Joanna being in the picture I felt like it was a big joke when people would kindly say "Make sure you get some rest!". It felt like a big joke as I barely got sleep and the baby had her demands on me as well. Once she did rest I was not finished nesting and had the urge to get more work done even though that would mean I wouldn't be resting my body. (In retrospect: my fault... should have just let things go and let people help more.  I just like being in control...)

It was probably a couple of weeks in that we realized this effort to put Joanna in the crib at night wasn't working, as none of us were getting rest and it was so much work to get Joanna to sleep on her own. My heart broke as I know we spent about 9 months together and now she was in another room and I either couldn't stand her crying or when she was asleep I was wondering how long she would stay asleep for (or whether she was still breathing!).

One night, I nursed her in bed and fell asleep. When I woke up she was still there! Our midwife actually recommended we do this - nurse to sleep as long as we followed safe sleep precautions it was actually fine. I felt guilty for accidentally bed sharing the other night but relieved to hear that it could be done safely. Plus, I had more rest that way!

So since then we have been bed sharing with Joanna especially at night (as I edit this post... with at least one nap a day). It's been great to wake up in the morning with her, and see her grow more and more each day. I loved seeing her wake up with her newborn sounds, and all "balled up" beside me. A few memories before they drift away from the "4th trimester"

• Her all balled up, making those newborn sounds
• Asking hubby, "What is that sound?" and him saying "That's Joanna breathing...". Oh. I had mistaken her breathing for trees hitting our window, cars, strange horns, etc.
• Waking up and asking hubby- "did she fall off?" when I fell over to the side of my bed and he told me she was on the other side between us
• Changing sides in the middle of the night to feed her
• Diaper changes at the middle of the night. Sometimes hubby would get up to do it, while I take a washroom break
• Sitting up to burp her 
• Her kicking me/dancing while I feed her (I later recognized this is a sign of upper/lower gas, or fast milk flow)
• Sitting her on my tummy while I bicycle her legs for a poop (she doesn't poop at night anymore, and we EC her in the morning).
• Eating snacks/drink water/go to the bathroom in the middle of the night (I don't really do that anymore)
• Wrestling Joanna to bed (we discovered this is due to overtiredness - not enough naps during the day)

I am really glad that hubby is okay with this sleeping arrangement. I know this is temporary and I hear stories of kids who sleep with their parents for many years (the family bed) and some who grow out of it sooner than the parents expect (and the parents end up missing sleeping with the child!). I never thought we would go this route at all but it makes sleep so much better for our family and breastfeeding is so much easier with not having to get up at night. I am experimenting with naps now (she is 3 months and a week~ 6 months and a aweek) and seeing if she can nap longer away from me.

I was going  to post this  when Joanna was around 3 months but now it is 6 months and we are still bed sharing. I think I was hesitant to post this at first since I wasn't as confident in our choice in bed sharing and less worried about getting Joanna sleep trained out of fear of messing up her future sleep. Everyone seems happy so I am fine with keeping this up. I want to sidecar our crib to the side of our bed eventually so we all have more room. I have a library book I borrowed called Sweet Sleep from La Leche League. I hope to read through it sometime. In the mean time the evidence and practicality seems to point more and more that bed sharing is a great option for the whole family.  I would write more but I think the book would speak better than I could...

General updates and ramblings

So Joanna is napping and hubby is out to work. It's been a while since I posted on here.
The weather is certainly getting more bright and sunny.
Great is thy faithfulness... your mercies are new everyday.

What I have been reading 
I just finished my first book reading of this year (it seems)... Treasuring Christ when your hands are full by Gloria Furman. I received it from a child dedication class. Out of the parenting books I have read so far on all sorts of topics this book points me back to Christ and the true purpose and origin of motherhood. It goes back to the first mother Eve, where after the fall God gives them the promise of future offspring and pointing to future redemption in Genesis 3:15. Even though God said that they would surely die when they ate of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, God chose that through an offspring (Jesus) that the world would be delivered from this death. Offspring then implies motherhood. Offspring implies that we are still living today because of this prophecy. Ultimately this all points to God's mercy in giving us life, and then the offer of eternal life through Jesus coming on earth to bear the wrath that we deserve for our sins. Motherhood then ought to point to the supreme worth and value of Jesus and delight in God's great mercy in granting us breath and life each day. The books talks about future grace a lot, which is a topic I haven't thought about as much before. That helps bring a long-term, eternal perspective on things. Thoughts that come to mind as I finish off the book are that ultimately womanhood does not mean motherhood. Womanhood means conforming to the image and likeness of Christ, and so does motherhood. It ultimately is for the glory of God and our worship and enjoyment of Him.

Personal/Post-partum Recovery/Health
I generally feel better since day 1 of course. Lately my back has been bothering me. I decided to buy a Manduca baby carrier (thanks hubby) which is much more supportive for an almost 20 pound baby. However my back is still bothering me and I believe I just need to work out my core muscles more. So hopefully I will figure out an exercise/stretching routine. I find myself also needing to drink more water as I get dehydrated from nursing. I joined a bible study on Nehemiah at church which allows me a nice break from Joanna and time to study the word and hopefully meet some new friends. I come to the mom and tot play group but so far it's a lot of talk about how your kid is doing and debriefing it seems while the kids have fun and making sure other kids aren't getting hurt. I told Stephen that something I miss after having Joanna is just having the moments of quiet to just read a book. He graciously took Joanna while I went for a walk to finish my book and pray. I also want to go swimming more but not in a rush to do too much.

Family
Hubby is almost done his Hebrew (not Hebrews) class! That is exciting. We are still leading a Bible Study on John. No exciting travel plans yet however we have talked about getting Joanna a baby passport. Reading the book of Daniel as our family devotion. The topic of Christian relationships has also been of conversation a lot lately. We thought that when we stopped dating it was the end of the dating game and all of its anxieties. However we want to be there for our single friends so the complexities are back in discussion. We need to be praying and trusting in the Lord while acting and speaking truth in love wherever we can. We are still also serving in the Missions Deacon committee at church as well. We have some chats on what we are interested to do this summer while small group season is on break...Joanna is also doing very well. She is figuring out how to crawl lately. We also introduced solid food (banana, cucumber, chicken) the past few days. We are trying the baby-led weaning route at the moment. It is fun to watch and wonderful to see God's design in watching Joanna grow. He gifted us with such a beautiful baby that he had knitted in my womb! We are open to having more children in the future in God's timing.

Home
In short it's a work in progress. I have ton of things to put in storage and things to throw out. I always imagined that when I moved out I would be a minimalist. But here I have clutter to deal with now!? Hopefully time will be dedicated to some spring cleaning. My main priorities right now are just to wash the diapers, wash the dishes, and get food on the table. Tidying up in the living room and kitchen. Everything else is a bonus. I also want to side car Joanna's crib to our bed but that is for later...Also have shopping to do to replace items that have worn out (e.g. shoes) and things for babysafe-ing the place (e.g. guard rails for the kitchen, blocking off electronics) before Joanna gets crawling.

Blog
I am not sure what I want to do with this blog yet. Only 2 people really know about it as far as I am aware. There have been times I wanted to rant on this thing but I had needed to bring to prayer instead. I hope it will be a place where I can store memories so I can look back on and see how things have changed and what I have been learning and struggling through.

Happy Valentine's day 2015

Thank you God for my blessings! I pray You will deepen my understanding for the Father's great love, conform me to Christ's image and help me to truly love those You have made in Your image by the power of Your Spirit. Amen.

The Fleeting Fourth Trimester Memories: Babywearing

Joanna is a pretty content baby for the most part. I am so glad  for learning about baby wearing...

It was when Joanna was 2 weeks when hubby served as a groomsman for his friend's wedding. We didn't buy a stroller so off we went to go buy a baby carrier of  some sort. We settled quickly on the Cuddlywrap.

At a friend's wedding. Joanna at 2 weeks.

Babywearing during dinner at home.

I had watched a video before on how to use it  so I was  somewhat familiar. It  worked  great as Joanna just fell asleep in it like  she  was  back in the  womb. Every time I pulled her out I  would  say "Be born again!" With a stretchy wrap it was nice to pop her in and pop her out when we were out an about  (which wasn't very often but it was very useful)!

At the library. Baby is quietly sleeping.

A nice lady from hubby's work lent us her Heart2Heart Ring Sling as well. That was helpful to put to Joanna in and out of the car while holding other bags if I was out on my own. I could also nurse Joanna in it too.

Good times! She's getting heavy now so I'm using them more on an as needed basis. I don't use the stretchy wrap anymore. I'm learning  to  use my DIY osnaburg wrap but these were good  memories of carrying Joanna when she was  younger and smaller :)

She sleeps super well in them. I remember when she had an overtired spell one week, I just popped her in the wrap. She also can be very cranky during growth spurts so wearing her helped calm her down. She is nice and quiet at church or weddings or public events when she is in there. She sleeps a lot longer so I can focus on other things.  It is also good for Joanna developmentally to be close to me in the meantime and less bulky than a stroller. Joanna can be included with the things I am doing, and the people I am interacting with.

We both get to eat dinner.

At our 2nd wedding as new parents.

Joanna  slept through the  whole wedding. Pooped  after the prayer.

I can understand  why babywearers have a lot of gear- you try a bunch and  see what works  for you and some gear works better  on certain occasions than others. I don't regret enjoying these cuddles as I know these  times are fleeting. I am able to get more stuff done if I am not napping that is.In fact I am wearing her as I finish off this blog :)

Thank you Lord for this common grace, that we get to enjoy babies and for babywearing. You are the Giver of good things.

The Fleeting Fourth Trimester Memories: Home Sweet Home

The night before going home was exhausting. I remember having a tearful breakdown with all the sleep deprivation, the hormones, and all of Joanna's crying. Looking back, I could have put her in the bed cuddled right with me and nursed and nursed and nursed. After getting the lab work saying my hemoglobin levels were cleared, we were okay to go home that night or the morning after. We wanted to leave first thing in the morning so the night nurses did some discharge teaching and we were going to get out of there the morning ASAP.

When hubby was taking out stuff from our room to the car, he noted it was raining and was concerned that baby and I would get poured on. He prayed.

Once we left the hospital building, there was no longer rain. God had heard hubby pray and covered us from being rained on.
 
We called hubby's parents to help us clean up once we got home. 

I just remember the relieve of being at home as well as the eerie-ness of it. It was only a couple of days ago we had given birth to Joanna in our room, and left to the hospital, and now we are back, with the evidence of it all over our bedroom floor.

So this is where Joanna was born! The evidence is cleaned up now. Thanks Ma, and Dad and Mom too.

Hubby told me that the laundry was soaking in the bathroom all bloodied and that he cleared that away before I could see it when he had gone home earlier.

I didn't really noticed the stench of it all but I am sure it must have smelled a bit off. I still have memories of the smell of the carpet cleaner we used to clean out the carpet.

I remember taking a shower for the first time after getting home (I chose not to shower to keep all the lovely smells for Joanna and I to bond). My toes were still encrusted with blood... I remember trying to scrub it off. My body felt like it had gone through a lot. I felt something huge just happened in my life and I survived it. It was like I had gone through a rite of passage in life.

I also remember just the sheer pleasure of being at home. Hubby's parents cleaning away things for us while we settle in; I remember feeling very cared for in this moment of piecing life back together. Plus Joanna slept in the crib soundly- it was wonderful. I believe the hospital was too cold for her to sleep comfortably in. I don't know why we didn't think to bundle her up in more clothes at night... I guess there was something unnatural about putting clothes on her until she was ready to go home or something. Oh well. Live and learn right?

Sigh... finally home.

The Fleeting Fourth Trimester Memories: The Adventure to the Hospital

So we had a lovely homebirth experience that ended up in the hospital.
After Joanna was born at home, I had fainted 10 minutes later. I regained consciousness afterward, but my blood pressure was still quite low and wasn't getting back to normal. The midwives called 911 and I was sent to the hospital.

I admit, I didn't really have a worry in my mind, after finding Joanna in Stephen's arms. I didn't have enough strength to get up by myself. I had no idea what I looked like. The concept of riding in an ambulance was actually exciting me. I must have been real loopy. I still remember feeling breathless, and saying over and over again to the paramedics "Am I going to be like this forever?". As a nurse I have sent some of my clients or residents to the hospital but I never got a chance to catch a ride on an ambulance myself. I also admire paramedics as well for the work they do.


There are more details I could share on this experience but here are a few bullet points...

• Hubby had to drive Joanna diaperless in the car seat to the hospital himself...
• Sis was riding in the ambulance with me. 
• I remember the terrible job that was done with my IV... I kept complaining it was hurting my arm and I was concerned about infiltration when they were putting fluids in me.
• The stitches for my tear were worse than labour. My OB didn't know what "OWWWoowowowWWWW" meant it seemed. Not enough freezing unfortunately. I can't even count how many stitches I had...
• I had pumped enough colostrum for Joanna prior to the delivery that Stephen could give her some while I was recovering. It was enough before the first feed I had with her and observe her hands and face for the first time.
• Hubby's parents came to visit us in the middle of the night and relieve hubby.
• I had a few units of blood transfusions 
• A lady from church who worked there visited us
• We roomed in a private room in the post-partum unit
• There were some good nurses, some not so helpful nurses
• It stopped raining once Joanna and I were loaded into the car after hubby prayed for the rain to stop
• The first few days of recovery in the hospital was the most grueling days I experienced in my life it seemed, with Joanna transitioning outside the womb, while I felt so helpless in my own body. 

The Lord is so gracious the merciful to us in so many ways! I am so glad for hospitals. However I was much more happier to leave the place afterward.

If you are reading this you might be wondering if I still would advocate for a homebirth. I still loved my homebirth experience, as crazy as it might seem to some. I didn't share much on the actual home birth experience itself on this blog... I probably won't because I prefer to share it in person and with all the graphic details :P. Joanna came out perfectly. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Me holding Joanna the night we transferred to the post-partum unit.

Hubby and Joanna! He was such a trooper helping me during the labour, driving Joanna to the hospital, staying up changing her diapers and feeding her when I wasn't able to, and making sure I got my food, meds, water, etc. I felt bad he still hadn't changed his clothes after the birth... he must have been really exhausted and wanting a shower by now. Thanks hubby <3

Chilling.

The Fleeting Fourth Trimester Memories: Holding Joanna for the First Time

Joanna was born at 1:55 AM on October 2, 2014,  on our bedroom floor.

The first time I got to hold Joanna, it was in a squat, finishing my pushing, when they told me I could pick up Joanna. I felt a bit disoriented and in disbelief that she was already out and that I could actually... touch her!

I remember reaching down and then there she was. I think I needed a bit help because I couldn't see her and it was all slimy down there. I remember feeling her torso and holding her toward my chest and hearing her cry. It felt so good to finally have her out after all that labour and hear her breathe and cry! I wanted to breathe and cry too.

I felt so thankful to God for giving us a gift of a child and the endurance to handle the pregnancy, labour and delivery. I'll have to talk about the recovery on another post...

The Fleeting Fourth Trimester Memories: My armpit, her home.

So hubby started to blog more on his blog lately. He encouraged that I should blog too and I asked him what he wanted me to blog about. And he said, "How about your armpit?"

Haha... so after giving birth to Joanna, I noticed something strange. My body odour was offensive... to ME! I was concerned as I wasn't too keen on wearing antiperspirants because of what I have heard about certain antiperspirants and their relation to cancer. I just haven't had the time to find something that worked during my pregnancy. During my pregnancy, I worked hot summer days and was not this offended at my smell. Therefore I just didn't bother. But now I was bothered!!

I asked the midwife about this new smell of mine, and she told me that it was to help the baby recognize me. Interesting. I believe God's design in pregnancy and child birth so I guess this makes sense too. I also read online that it is hormone related. 

Interestingly, once we started bed sharing, the natural position for Joanna to sleep is right under my armpit after we finish nursing. It's nice and warm and close to Mummy. And it STINKS (at least to me). I'm sure she likes being close to my milk smells too but... my armpit is just... ughh... I can't explain it. Hubby loves all those newborn smells... but I won't even let him get near my armpits!

I had noticed a few days ago that I am no longer offended at my body odour (unless I'm out and have gotten all sweaty). Joanna still likes hanging out under there but that's cool.

Joanna at 3 weeks, hanging out with mummy in bed.

Joanna at 3 weeks. Sometimes I nurse on the floor so I can sneak away and do my own thing. Sometimes it she doesn't notice, sometimes she does.

Joanna at almost 3 months :)